About me

Closing a rough period, early spring seemed to be the perfect moment to give my life a fresh restart. I knew exactly what i wanted to do. Writing thriller novels. I gave it a try before in the midst of the rough period, but the wish to make a living and an income that could provide me a comfortable living, never came true. 

In spite of knowing what i wanted to do, early spring 2016 proved me wrong once more. I could'nt get going. Not because i lacked inspiration, it was something in me, without knowing what. I felt tired. I felt emotional. My parents had passed away the previous year. More than enough reasons to be emotional, to process the loss. But i could'nt tell if that kept me lying on the couch, fooling around on my tablet. Perhaps it did. 

Five weeks went by. In the third week i wanted even more to do some writing, but i could'nt get busy. Closing the fifth week doing nothing, i entered a Tantra workshop. The link i had received said that the workshop would be held on an estate. Visions about a landhouse or castle came to mind. It was a farmhouse, far behind on maintenance. I saw a shed with party costumes. I saw stuffed bears taller than me. On both sides of the stable floor were the workshop would take place, i saw a row of cinema seats. I had no idea what i had gotten into or what in heavens name i was doing there. My expections faded to none. A day of learning, feeling and keeping up with others had me close to exhaustion. 

Close to two weeks i had a glorious feeling. It's as if i could do anything i wanted, if nothing would be to much. It felt as if i had found the secret to happiness. But when the second week came to a close, the feeling faded, left me. I practised more Tantra. On thursday evenings a Tantric dance event. In july a four day festival on a camp site. Tantric life lessons. I met people, i had good times and bad times, but the feeling did not return.   

Practicing Tantra is'nt something you do alone. I interacted with people, not knowing much about them. People fighting their own battle with pain, fears and more that makes an man suffer. In the fall of 2016 a shocking realisation hit me: grown men were out there searching for needed answers. Mature women were searching for there worth. I was searching. They had no idea were it could be found or what it could be. Besides that feeling i had know idea what i was searching. I only knew that it was more than that mighty good feeling. But if they had no answers and i was shy of answers? 

Than who has answers?   

My entire being seemed to slip. How could i get my life back on track if i did'nt know how? How could my life be worth wile if i had no idea how to make the best out of it?  The irony is that i had never worried about that. Just do what you want to do. Never did i reconsile anything that could matter. How i could be on my best. What could influence my life. Events, big and small, happen as if it's costumary. As if life is a play and what ever happens, happens. 

Not that day after that shocking realisation had hit me. Nothing seem to matter. Only what i still wanted to do, writing novels that had aspects of a whodunnit? and a thrilling excitement. It was not going to be, so it seemed. I was in my living room. In doubt about my life. Stuck and caught. From the depth of my being i knew that i knew what i wanted to do, but if that was'nt going to be then i had only one option left: wishing what i did'nt want in my life. Never. Ever. Feeling. Pain. And. Fear. Again.